I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
You Might Also Like
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Autocorrect is my menesis
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
I told my vodka about you.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks