My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
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Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]