Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
You Might Also Like
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.