Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
You Might Also Like
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Does beer think about me too?
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”