Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
You Might Also Like
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.