The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
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Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
#parenting
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.