Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
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“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
scared to check what name she chose
Never go to sleep after making me angry
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
I know this now 😂
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad