Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
You Might Also Like
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet