like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
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Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Don’t touch that.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now