nice challenge
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corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*