Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
You Might Also Like
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Ha
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Tell the colonel to bring it
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other