2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
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[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number