She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
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My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.