fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
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My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Every time.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Best table by far
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.