People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
You Might Also Like
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…