[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
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Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
This kid is a star!
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I falcon love using swear birds
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
I might carry a baby with one hand.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages