And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
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My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.