16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
You Might Also Like
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.