My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
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[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
TODAY
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?