My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
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“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
I’m not wrong
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone