A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
You Might Also Like
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
I hope it’s French Onion!
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Facebook memories be like
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.