I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
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Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
ouch
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.