[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
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dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth