Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
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Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.