[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
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Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
my nickname in college
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’