A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
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gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.