Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
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Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!