In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
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Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
The Others (2001)
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
“what that mouth do?” complain
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”