Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
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Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.