stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
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Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
respect
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?