It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
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[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.