I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
You Might Also Like
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”