Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
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Peter Parker Peter Driver
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.