people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
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Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.