I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
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“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
🙁
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.