Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
You Might Also Like
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Animal poetry
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.