Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
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The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone