My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
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My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Love this guy
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?