Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
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I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Monday Lisa
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
pizza
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
cause of death:
autopsy.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
My blood type is b hungry.