50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
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Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”