Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
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I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Autocorrect is my menesis