Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
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this is literally a CIA plant
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me