“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
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My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?