ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
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ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
sliding into dms like
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is