Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
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[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.