[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
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cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs