[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
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When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Unimpressed
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.