The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
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friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
I hope google does well on my son’s test
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.