If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
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Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Anime is real
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.