kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
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I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Most fashion shows these days…
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
They’re stuck in your pants?